Regret

Dan Jira

4/19/2024

For so long, I waited

To tell you I loved you

For so long, I feared

Losing our friendship

And then one evening,

After far too long,

I decided to face my fears

In one hour

All of my anxieties,

Of those 6-ish years,

Came true

For so long

Have I tried to forget

For so long

Have I tried to move on

The pain 

Of loving you silently

Was nothing 

Compared to the torture of losing you entirely.

The Oncoming Storm

The Oncoming Storm
Dan Jira
5/2/17

Three in the morning.
The threat of the oncoming storm
Haunts me as I stand and listen
To the rhythmic fwoosh of the windmills,
The generation of electricity
Drowns out my thoughts

The headphones on my head
Acting as nothing more than warmers
For my cold ears,
As I listen to the wind
Beating me up as I walk
And billowing my coattails behind me.

The darkness envelopes me
As I stand in the shadow of a streetlight
And raise the lighter to my mouth
As I try to fight the wind to light
Something I never thought
Would be hanging from my lips.

As I walk into the dorm
My face red and wet
The rain streaming down my cheeks
Crying tears my eyes refuse to produce
The halls are empty
As I walk to my door.

The taste of the cigarette
Stale upon my lips.
The same one that fell out of my fingers
That were too numb from the cold.
The smell my mother would kill me for
Reeks from my jacket.

I throw my keys on the desk
My overcoat on my bedpost,
Careful not to wake my roommate
As I try and breathe life back
Into my long lost fingers
And fall into my bed.

Déjà Vu

Dan Jira - 2/14/17

Have I done this before?

But how could I have?

I only just met you.

Haven’t I?

Is this a dream?

Reality doesn’t make sense.

I know where I am,

But how did I get here?

How long have we been walking?

Wait.

How long have we been stopped?

Has it always been snowing?

What happened to the sun?

The moon is pretty,

And so are you,

But who are you?

Who am I?

Have we done this before?

Have I done this before?

But how could I have?

I only just met you.

Haven’t I?

Is this a dream?

Reality doesn’t make sense.

I know where I am,

But how did I get here?

How long have we been walking?

Wait.

How long have we been stopped?

Has it always been snowing?

What happened to the sun?

The moon is pretty,

And so are you,

But who are you?

Who am I?

Have we done this before?

Wind

Dan Jira – 2/14/17

It was August the first time I walked this path,

I was nothing more than a new student who was lost

I was wandering around campus,

And here, in the back, away from everybody,

I found this strip of tarmac,

Carved out of the surrounding fields.

That first night, out on the path,

As I stopped to admire the windmills,

I felt it.

I felt the wind for the first time in forever.

The wind I used to feel, on a calm day on the lake.

Gentle, reassuring, and carrying the sweet scent of summer.

Although I had felt this wind earlier that month,

This time it was different.

This time it also carried a new scent. Freedom.

I have since walked that path

Almost every night that I have been here,

And I still feel it.

Now it is February, and its different again.

This time, I do not walk the path alone,

This time I walked the path with you for the first time.

Although I didn’t know you for that first stroll,

A familiar feeling blew upon my face.

This time stinging my nose, and cheeks.

But it still felt the same.

As we hold hands, and walk into the night,

The wind still blows.

Progression

Dan Jira
1/28/17

It was six months ago,
I laid my eyes upon you for the first time.

It was five months ago,
We said our first hellos.

It was four months ago,
I had first fallen for you.

It was three months ago,
I told myself no, and put the thought of you aside.

It was two months ago,
I had thought of you as no more than a friend.

It was one month ago,
I looked upon you with new eyes.

It was last week,
I finally considered it.

It was two days ago,
I thought about how to ask you.

It was earlier this evening,
I finally decided to ask you.

Tired

Dan Jira

1/5/2017

It’s 5 o’clock in the morning

I’ve been awake for 34 hours.

My watch says it’s Thursday

I don’t know if I believe it.

I’m tired.

Every fiber of my being aches.

It screams for relief.

I wish I could comfort it.

I lay down,

And the only comfort I receive

Is the strain on my eyes

Disappearing.

After an hour,

Other than counting,

To keep myself from thinking,

Nothing is achieved.

My eyelids no longer hurt,

Seeing is no longer painful,

My brain takes these inputs,

And wakes me back up again.

My body is tired.

I want to put my brain on mute,

So I can’t hear my thoughts,

And finally fall asleep.

A Trio of Haikus

Dan Jira - 12/5/2016

And yet, here we are,
E'er so close, but no cigar.
Not near, not too far.

How you look at him,
Is how I look at you too;
If only you'd see.

A man, gentle yet
So shrouded in mystery,
Stole her thoughts, and heart.

The Cold

Dan Jira - 11/24/2016

There are different types of the cold.

Theres the cold that gives you a slight chill,

As you walk around in a hoodie,

The type that makes you look around,

And admire the torrent of leaves

As they swirl all around you.

Theres the cold that nips at your nose,

As you wish that you had listened

To the weatherman as he said

“Bring a heavier jacket out today.”

But your pride got in the way.

Theres the cold that sends shivers down your spine,

As you sit on the couch,

Under a blanket, and shiver

At the phantom chill that had just befallen you,

As you look uneasily around the room.

Theres the cold that gives you a reminder,

Winter is here, go inside,

Enjoy all that the television has to offer,

Snuggle up next to someone,

And share your gift of warmth.

Sand

Dan Jira - 9/8/2016

Three weeks ago,

I picked you up,

My handful of sand.

And like a delighted child,

I brought it everywhere,

Showing off

My handful of sand.

For the two weeks,

We were together,

We knew from the beginning,

That it would never last.

But I never thought

That it would be so soon.

I carried it around

For as long as I could,

Until I brought it to the water,

And the currents washed away

My handful of sand.

When the long weekend ended,

And I saw you again,

I smiled,

But you didn’t look at me

Like you did the weeks before.

And when I brought it up,

The river of life had caught up,

Between prior commitments,

Classes and their work,

It had washed you away too.

And just like when I was a child,

I wade in the river,

Kneeling, and searching

For my handful of sand.

As I Look to the Sky...

Dan Jira - 8/28/2016

As I look up to the sky to the South,

I can see the rapid flashes in the clouds,

The threat of a storm that will never arrive.

As I look up to the sky to the North,

I can see the stars peeking down from the cosmos,

The threat of dreams that will be left unseen.

As I look up to the sky to the West,

I can see the fading sunset,

The threat of days yet to come.

As I look up to the sky to the East,

I can see the lights of the city,

The threat of the coming morning stifling the inhabitants.

But when i look down and immediately to my left,

Even in the dark, I can see your freckled nose,

And the threat of words left unsaid.

Deafened

Dan Jira - 6/2016

As I go through the rituals of the day,

I hear the world.

Louder and louder,

As the clock ticks on.

The slow hum of morning,

Is gradually replaced

By the roar of noon.

But the droning roar of noon

Cannot compare

With the discordant cacophony

Of rush hour.

Then the clinking of glasses,

And the sounds from the kitchen,

And the scraping of forks,

All give way to the after dinner quiet.

As the sun sets,

The clouds roll in,

And the quiet evening

Gets quieter.

The howl of the wind is first,

And then the rapid fire of the rain,

And then the booms of thunder,

And the cracking of trees.

And then,

It stops.

All is quiet,

Nothing can be heard.

As I lay in my bed,

Revelling in this quiet,

I can finally hear my thoughts,

And listen to them.

But they scream,

And they wail,

And they won't leave me alone.

The silence is deafening.

Dear Phoebe

Dan Jira - 2/2015

It is as of this moment,

And unto another as of yet undecided

That you leave me here,

Standing,

Alone.

Letting me think.

The most dangerous thing

I have ever done to myself.

I look up from my thoughts,

And see before me,

The infinite winding spiral staircase

They call Love.

I stand here in the middle,

Knowing that even if I go up to bliss,

Or down into madness,

Eventually I will end up here again.

Time on Target

Dan Jira - 1/2015

There is only ever the present moment

Never is it the future

Nor is it ever the past.

Right now is all there ever is,

Tomorrow never comes

And yesterday is always gone.

Electric Snow

Dan Jira - 1/2015

Back in 2010 when TV went digital,

We were without a signal for 2 weeks until we bought a converter.

We would turn on the morning news out of habit to find that a blizzard

Had inhabited the television.

That electrical snow, accompanied by that awful noise is something

That barely any will forget.

The screen that looks like how your arm feels

When it falls asleep.

The screen that somehow makes you want a cup of hot tea,

And sit on the couch in a blanket.

As I write this five years later,

I am happy to say that I do not see this screen as nearly as often as I had.

However, I am still haunted by the electric snow,

From days on end to barely a total of an hour in a week,

I feel it.

The screen of nothingness.

The emptiness of something.

Waiting for something colorful to return,

Or to be turned off.

She Is...

Dan Jira - 8/2013

She is as gentle as a spring breeze, 

But as destructive as a tornado.

She is as beautiful as a rainbow 

After you sit through the storm.

She is as quiet as night,

But infinite like the universe.

She is as strong as ice,

But she will melt in your hand.

She is as wonderful as life,

But as mysterious as death.

The Girl Thought I Loved

Dan Jira - 9/2012

Back in grade school,

You were everything.

I thought of you during the loneliest,

Darkest hours of the night.

You were the one

That I admired from afar,

That made my grades slip

Because I was only paying attention to you.

For five years I suffered

Never telling anyone

Who mattered the most to me

You.

I never told you,

I never told my friends,

I never told anyone.

Yet here I am,

Confessing on a sheet of paper,

To the world,

On the internet

For everyone to see.

That you were the one,

The girl with the curly blonde hair,

And the light blue eyes.

The girl that broke her arm skiing,

And her leg trampoline-ing.

The girl that I asked to my first homecoming,

The girl that accepted my invitation,

And let me think that it would be mutual.

The girl that let me down.

The girl that wanted to go home with some other guy. 

The girl that I bought my first suit for,

And went to a classy restaurant for.

The girl I waited five years for.

You.

You are that girl.

The girl that taught me to be quiet.

The girl that taught me to forget.

The girl that taught me sadness.

The girl that taught me that I wasn't good enough.

And still,

I lay awake in bed,

Reminiscing when you were the girl with the curly blonde hair,

And the light blue eyes.

And I realize that you were not the cure,

But the poison.